It’s been a year
One year ago today my cousin Logan died. 25 years old, his vices took his life and our family has been dealing with the tragedy since then. As his oldest cousin on his mom’s side, my role was different than the other cousins. I was his babysitter, his tutor, and his oldest friend in many ways.
He allowed me to be silly when the other cousins wanted to be “cool.” As he got older, our relationship changed. I tutored him a couple summers, as he struggled with reading comprehension in early elementary.
He liked playing tricks on me. He once set off a couple fart bomb toys in my Jeep Cherokee. Boy was I mad. But he just laughed and I got over it.
Family should not be taken for granted
Too often, as we age, our lives change and connecting with cousins and relatives becomes too challenging. People move. People get married. People become estranged. But Logan and I stayed in touch over the years. As his struggles grew, we did grow farther apart, but my busy schedule was just as responsible.
Believing that a member of the family will always be there cannot be the way in which we schedule family gatherings. All of us should be willing to make time, as we do not know when the last time will be.
The healing process after is hard. And anniversary dates such as today sworm up old feelings that got pushed down when being strong was the only acceptable emotional reaction.
I took Logan’s passing very hard. Realizing his life was no longer on this earth, but that his soul had moved on to God’s eternity, I didn’t do comedy or anything else for at least a month. I had some pre-committed shows in November that I did, but mostly, I read, I cried, and I processed the pain.
Yet each day since, I haven’t really come to grips with his passing. I simply just moved on. Recently, I saw First Man, about Neil Armstrong’s personal struggles while reaching the goal of landing on the moon. Watching his daughter die, as well as fellow NASA astronauts, he struggled through, and I started to tear up, thinking about his life and my cousin Logan. Grief might not be seen, but’s ever present.
The healing process
I don’t know if we ever heal. As Frodo told Sam, “some wounds go too deep,” and the battle scars and missing limbs of the heart and soul cannot be replaced. But that’s why there is hope.
Hope is all we can have now. The hope that redemption and resturation is possible. Not the hope that Logan will return. King David said that message about his stillborn, “He cannot come to me, but I will go to him.” No, the hope I speak of is that a new day will come, a new sunrise will open up the skies of our spirit, and that we can honor him by not repeating the past, and helping those who face similar trials. Logan had lost some hope. Therefore I must honor him by hoping in a tomorrow I cannot see, and living as if I can accomplish his desired good works in how I live my life. With humor. With tenderness. With love.
He lived a short life, but a rich one, filled with love, adventure, and loyalty to his friends. My emotions stem from a place of leadership, as the eldest cousin, but my head knows that he would be the first to say to me, “You gotta move on, Paul. I made my choices. Now go make yours.”
So that’s all I can do and will do. And writing this blog is one way in which I move on. And next year I’ll report on how I’m doing again. Until I no longer feel that need.
For I know the journey is complex and doesn’t end in this life. We are not just food for maggots, as some may say, as Shakespeare wrote through his characters. I may not know what the other side looks like; I have an idea though, based on how I view God and his Son. And that gives me hope when I need it most.
As a “Clean” comedian, I’ve had some success. I’ve been passed at a few clubs because bookers can trust me not to offend the crowd ASAP, I’ve been on TV, I’ve gotten to host for major comics who require a clean opener, and I’ve made fans for being funny without having to go crass.
Jerry Seinfeld once said he didn’t want to do a joke if the swear word made it funny or if he couldn’t do it in The Tonight Show. That’s been my philosophy in comedy as well. Even though, as a Christian, I’m not a fan of public crassness on MY part, that was never the reason I went clean. I can talk about sex and dating without swearing, but I find so many talk about those issues, I wanted to stand out in some way.
But I have noticed a stigma and frustration among audiences when they come to see a “Clean” comedy show. Clubs and producers use that word “clean” to let audience members know they can come in peace, but that’s a huge problem to the show.
Once you call your show a “Clean Comedy Show” you might get business, but the show has lost any suspense of where the punchlines can go. I’ve been on a lot of clean comedy shows, and the audience and the comics are never at their best.
I’m not saying being clean in comedy isn’t funny. There are tons of funny clean comics, but the crowd loses the high wire feeling once the show promises there will be no surprises, swears, or sexual references. Sometimes what makes clean comedy work is because you think the punchline will be dirty and the surprise is in the clean joke.
But that’s gone once everyone knows the jokes will be clean. And if the comic goes dirty, the crowd sees the comic “breaking the rules” and then turns on them. So it’s a no win situation.
Same goes with “family friendly” comedy. I’m PG content at worst, but I don’t talk about “family stuff.” I don’t even know what family friendly comedy is. Is it magic? Silly act outs? Does a pet have to be on stage?
The same goes with “Christian comedy” — I find most Christian comics just make fun of their families and/or atheists. Not all. But a lot of it is sexist (making fun of the wife or husband) or based on preaching to the choir’s bias against liberals or non-believers.
I’m a Christian, but my jokes aren’t all about my Christianity. Because while Christianity influences everything in my life, it’s not the topic in everything in my life. But I find because I don’t make fun of things I wouldn’t make fun of naturally, that my material doesn’t translate to people who lost their connection to the real world, and now live in a bubble of hating others more than loving life.
In fact, one agent told me that you don’t even have to be Christian to be a Christian comic. You just have to tie God unto it and be inspirational. That sounds repulsive to me.
The real issue is that once you put an adjective in front of the word comedy, it’s no longer pure comedy. Instead of marketing shows as “clean” or “Christian” to protect the conservative snowflakes, just say “funny comedy! All are welcome!”
Then the show will have a bigger challenge than finding Clean comics - they’ll have to find funny ones.
A while ago I was hosting a show. The club fit 150 patrons. Six showed up for the late night Saturday show. I had just performed 20 minutes the night before in a bar to great response. So I know the material is fine. But on the night before the six, jokes weren’t cutting it.
I’ve performed before small crowds many times before. Most liked my conversational style and I had fun. But this group. Ugh.
So after the first 2-3 jokes fell flatter than Wild E. Coyote off a cliff, I looked at the crowd and said, “so you people don’t like jokes, huh?” The crowd was mostly black with two Latina girls as dates. They got my tongue in cheek joke. So I grabbed a raffle ticket and said “let’s go over the rules of the night...” and they started to laugh loud.
Then I went, “Since there’s only six of you, if you break any of the rules, I’m gonna be pissed.” More laughter. I told them where the bathrooms were and since it was 2018 they “could choose their own adventure...” More laughs.
Then I explained to them how jokes and audience response worked and did a mocking “hahahaha” and they started rolling.
Then I asked the sound guy, “How’s my time?” And they fell over.
I basically did this act for 9 minutes. Just riffing. Judging being funny. It was a good reminder that while I write a lot and try new things a lot, that just being the funny guy I was before standup is okay too.
When we think of the greats (Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, Bill Burr, Paula Poundstone etc.) they were funny. They were real. They went for broke.
In anything you do in life, don’t be afraid to be you. You got this far, why back off now?
Those who know me well know I love talking about three things: Religion, Movies, and The Muppets.
Movies are a passion of mine. My Masters is in Film Theory. Which means I can’t make a film. But I can tell you why yours sucks.
Movies give us the power to live vicariously through other people and characters. Movies are metaphors and reminders of what we are going through and have been through. And a good movie can be a place of restoration when life beats us up.
One such film for me recently is Moneyball. The 2011 best picture nominee staring a brilliant Brad Pitt and a subtle Jonah Hill as Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane and a combo of operations mangers. Roger Ebert wrote in his review a fantastic analysis of their acting styles. Take a look at this inspirational trailer:
The film is about being undervalued and being unappreciated for revolutionary thinking in a tight spot. After the A’s made it to the World Series their best players fled to greener checks and Pitt and Hill’s characters use data analysis to put together a team that lost their first 11 games, won a record breaking 20 consecutive games, and tied for the best record in baseball.
When I was a wrestling coach, my best friend in wrestling Terry and I beat a lot of coaches playing “moneyball” — using our stats to create lineups that upset much better more talented teams. Forfeiting dual matches at weight classes to not give up takedowns and near falls that would hurt us if a tie score came down to criteria or to stop a snowball effect if we were losing too many in a row. It worked. A lot. Other coaches hated it. But 8 league titles and over 10 CIF Section titles later, we made our statements.
Right now in my my life I was recently put in charge of a massive project and I was overwhelmed. Until I watched two great movie scenes. One from The Martian about taking it one step at a time and one from Moneyball about remembering that the math can set you free. Here are both of them:
Whenever I got overwhelmed or panicked...these were the clips that reminded me of what I already knew. That if I just do the math I can solve impossible paths. Art is powerful. It’s a reminder that not all of life is natural. Somehow fake images of flickering light can inspire and move these natural bodies.
I truly believe that’s why God made the movies.
When I played little league baseball in the 1980s and 1990s there were girls who played with us. It was a boy’s Christian league. No one cared. They just wanted to play. We all just practiced once a week and played on Saturday afternoons.
With the Boy Scouts going co-ed, I must ask...what is the difference? Some girls want to do the boy’s activities. Some girls may not want to deal with the same girls who bully. If you asked a girl why they want to join the Boy Scouts you might be surprised by the answer.
One thing I remember growing up is that girls are much meaner to girls than boys are to boys. Sorry, but boys tease each other out of love, girls tease out of spite. I’m not sure if that’s a factor, but if a girl felt safer with boys, that might be a good thing in a culture where women have hashtags saying otherwise.
So maybe instead of asking why do these girls want to join the Boy Scouts, maybe the real question is why don’t they feel comfortable in the girls scouts?
I understand the desire to create places for boys to be boys and girls to be girls, but what type of sexually exclusive activities are happening from 11-17 years old that creates an issue?
It’s not like the Boy Scouts all shower together and then talk about how they like having sex.
It’s a club where kids tie knots, camp, and have innocent out door adventures. If a girl wants to join, at such a young age, what can the group no longer do now? If this was prohibiting boys from doing something, I’d probably be against it.
The only argument I hear is that this is the way it’s always been and liberals want to ruin America. Really? Using history and tradition doesn’t bode well if you believe in civil rights and equal pay acts.
By the way, liberals can pass all the laws they want, and not one girl has to follow through on them. This change isn’t forcing girls to join the co-ed Boy Scouts.
But somewhere there are girls who want in, and if there ends up being none and this is just liberals wanting to feel good about themselves, then I say what is the big deal? If no girls show up, then who cares? Then it’s just a co-ed organization that isn’t very co-ed.
Girls are allowed to play boy sports in high school, yet almost none do. Except for a few rare times. They instead play in the female version.
A lot of this stems from liberal PC culture. And I get it. Liberals do overreact to a lot, but so do conservatives. Especially when gender and religion come into play. Suddenly, after getting mad at liberals for crying foul about mascots and gender terms, conservatives cry about the war on Christmas and other causes.
Watching America change is tough for everyone. Having to learn new ways to address social issues is hard at first, no doubt. But in our complex world, we are learning our humanity is more complex. While we might not need 50 gender options on Facebook, we do need to understand that boys and girls are more able to express their own sexual thoughts and confusing questions that aren’t streamlined by simply male or female binaries.
I’m a fan of the idea that boys and girls are different. I taught high school, coaches wrestling, I and saw differences that were way beyond social construction. Boys got mad differently. Boys took criticism differently. Girls were more mature in many ways. They also lied more and cried their way out of things. Don’t call me sexist. You know there are universal truths with exceptions. There are clear differences for the majority. But the minority must still be respected. Some kids don’t fall into strict binary groups. To tell them to pick a side is simplistic and morally wrong. They’re not picking a sports team, they’re trying to live a life.
From a secular point of view, we must be understanding that not everyone falls into our perfect boxes so quickly. And from a religious point of view, Jesus clearly defined male and female roles but did not see the necessity of calling out those whose life was outside the norm.
I don’t know if a co-ed Boy Scouts will bring a unification of people or cause more harm based on how it plays out. I’m not a judge or jury. But I do know that kids feel more free to express their newfound sexual ambiguity, and that’s a conversation they can have with teachers and parents that would have been impossible even 20 years ago.
Being a comedian, I can’t help but end on a joke. So here’s my vain attempt:
If anything, maybe this will help the Boy Scouts with their biggest deficiency...that horrible popcorn. Can the boys start selling those delicious Thin Mints?
In 1984 The Karate Kid became a part of the pop culture landscape. Everything from “wax on wax off” to “sweep the leg!” has been paid tribute to, satirized, and cherished by kids of the 80’s these past thirty years in the forms of memes, tv shows, movie formulas, and general casual conversation. It’s a very “American” film, embedded in our winner/loser/fairplay/try-your-best contradicting ethos.
Now comes a worthy sequel after four films continued the story of Daniel LaRusso. The first film earned Pat Morita an Oscar nomination as the wise Mr. Myagi, the second earned one for best song, the third film was rowdy popcorn film, in the vein of Rocky III, and The Next Karate Kid started 2 time Oscar winner Hillary Swank in easily the worst film of her career. Will Smith created a crowd pleaser reboot for his son Jaden to star in with Jackie Chan that grossed $300+ million and yet is unremarkable in every way.
This sequel is a YouTube Red Series Cobra Kai, a continuation of the Daniel/Johnny died from the first film. Johnny Lawrence is now a washed up alcoholic, still driving his high school car and pounding Coors beer, living off a freelance handyman gig from a friend. Daniel is now a successful car salesman kicking pricing and passing out free bonsai trees to each customer.
One night, while having a pity party, Johnny sees some bullies beating up his poor apartment neighbor Miguel. He’s fine with them picking on him until they throw Miguel into his red sports car, prompting the once cool Cobra Kai star to beat up all four kids, and then inspiring Miguel to ask Johnny to teach him karate.
While this may sound odd, a fifty year old man beating up high school kids and then mentoring the geeky new neighbor, it mirrors exactly Mr. Myagi and Daniel-Son’s relationship. The scene in Cobra Kai is the Halloween dance scene in every way. It’s one of the best pieces of modern deconstruction put to pop art.
If we rooted for Myagi, how can we fault Johnny?
After taking some money from his bitter step dad as a buy out of their relationship, Johnny takes on Miguel and decides to reopen the Cobra Kai Karate studio that was the birthplace of every 80’s teen comedy villain. With John Kreese dead, Johnny doesn’t have to worry about licensing deals and copyright laws.
The next 9 episodes see Johnny struggle as a mentor, a dead beat dead (with baby mama Diora Baird in a fun cameo), and frustrated small business owner. Eventually, the dojo builds a crowd after a few fresh storylines utilize our modern social media culture, and a crew of misfit toys appear.
The other story deals with Daniel’s nightmare of watching Cobra Kai become a safe place for all the misfits of the San Fernando Valley. Daniel starts becoming the high strung LaRusso of The Karate Kid III and even starts retraining to bring balance to his life.
The series is both a satire of the snowflake generation and great reminder of what makes a sports opera work. The series never panders, but instead embraces the classical archetypes. One minute we are rooting for Johnny. The next we see Daniel applying Myagai’s old school techniques.
Everything feels fresh and inspired in this series. Johnny is seeking redemption, while Daniel is trying to maintain his way of life. The female leads, including Daniel’s wife and daughter provide strong female characters and interesting arcs, and the “mean girls” of the high school even find themselves changing.
What the series reminds us is that the generations before us lived by different codes, and that while some people never grew up, we don’t always see that. Sure Johnny is a sad sack clinging to high school glory, but so is Daniel, still thinking his All Valley Championship is impressive.
The other intersting point the series makes is that in the 80’s Karate was for bullies to maintain their status, whereas today geeks need it to level up to the cyber bullying the pretty kids use to torment. If anything, when Johnny mocks cyber bullying by telling his dojo of nerds “in my day we made fun of them to their face,” he isn’t being ironic, he’s being oddly heroic.
Cobra Kai isn’t just entertaining television, it’s poignant television about a time and place that doesn’t really exist anymore, but don’t tell our protagonists.
PS: The final scene is as chilling and exciting and out of nowhere as anything I’ve ever seen. If Johnny thought he’s faced his past, he’s got another thing coming.
We are all born with a certain package. We are who we are. Where we were born, who we were born as, how we were raised. We are kind of stuck inside that person, and the purpose of civilization and growth is to be able to reach out and empathize a little bit with other people, find out what makes them tick, what they care about. For me, the movies are like a machine that generates empathy. If it’s a great movie, it lets you understand a little bit more about what it’s like to be a different gender, a different race, a different age, a different economic class, a different nationality, a different profession, different hopes, aspirations, dreams and fears. It helps us to identify with the people who are sharing this journey with us. And that, to me, is the most noble thing that good movies can do and it’s a reason to encourage them and to support them and to go to them.”
Human empathy is a lacking attribute in Donald Trump’s America. While empathy does not mean “acceptance,” it does mean trying to understand and feel for people in hard times or situations. Sadly, most of us view the world through bad political or theological worldviews, causing a huge misunderstanding in what it means to care for others.
So so often I hear conservatives argue that people who made poor decisions should pay the price. We hear words like “freeloaders” and many think that the poor chose to be poor, as if somehow being in a poverty-ridden state is a desired destination.
Common talk I have with people I know:
Me: So in So is struggling in life.
Them: We’ll they should have gone to college and not had kids.
While that might be a reason they are struggling, plenty of people people have skipped on college and had kids and are doing fine. Maybe this situation is more complex. And just acknowledging a potential root of the issue isn’t productive. Should these people give up the child and take out $30,000 in student loans? I’m not sure what the point of the comment is.
This brings me to The Florida Project, a truly moving film that will build human empathy into your soul concerning the victims of choices that so many people make and don’t see similar outcomes.
The film follows a handful of small children during a hot summer in Orlando, Florida. They run around the numerous cheap motels they live in 29 days at a time, moving out one day a month to avoid residency law violations, and get into the type of trouble Mark Twain would have put them in.
The main girl Moonee lives with her drug addicted, alcoholic mother who prostitutes herself while the little girl sits in the bathtub. It’s a heartbreaking film, but a good reminder that while the “Disneyland” fantasy is around the corner, the world in the shadows is dark and real and needs our attention.
The acting is spectacular. Every character is fully defined and not a caricature. Maybe the choice by director Sean Baker to use non-actors helps that.
But there is one traditional actor used in William Dafoe. One of the best villains in film history (Spider-Man anyone?), he has also played complex characters including a doubting Jesus Christ (The Last Temptation of Christ) and a torn military leader (Platoon). But in this film he transcends all typecasts against him and portrays the patriarch super of the Magic Castle motel.
His acting is poetic. Every scene he shows his love and care for these numerous young mothers trapped in a life they didn’t see coming. Not one positive father figure is shown. Not the absent daddies, the creepy old pedophiles, or the dad sleeping with prostitutes and losing his $1700 Disneyworld family wristband package.
Yet there is Dafoe, protecting the children, paying the difference in rent for the mothers, and letting the kids play hide and seek under his desk, knowing that many of these children and parents have nowhere else to go. Hotels don’t ask for credit checks. Apartments do. They are stuck at “The Magic Castle” hotel without a chance to see the $300 a ticket Magic Castle nearby.
Where the film greatly succeeds is in reminding the audience that there are people out there that have few options, and that children are the victims. The kids in these movies most likely won’t grow up to live productive lives. Not because they can’t, but because they are never taught how to. They will learn to scrape by or be thrown around the foster home system. They will struggle because struggling is the model in which they live.
Movies can’t solve every problem, but watching a film like The Florida Project can remind us to love each other and take care of each other and feel some empathy toward those with a struggle we can’t see. It’s literally the least we can do.
A lot of guys wonder if a girl they just met likes them. There’s a lot of signs, but here are the five most fool proofed ways to know she wants to bear your children and take your last name at the alter. And not necessarily in that order.
1. She ignores your texts so you can prove your worth
A lot of of people want to have their texts responded to, but if she’s not responding, that just means she’s playing hard to get. Women want to be pursued. Hunted, in Darwinian terms. So be the lion and go capture your gazelle by texting so much that she realizes you are a great communicator who doesn’t need reciprocal behavior to feel validated. Be the alpha and text every hour. On the hour.
2. She always invites other guys out to join you on your date.
While you probably want a little one on one time, by her bringing another dude, she’s showing you off to the other men wanting her attention. By letting you buy her and her personal trainer or bar regular at the place she works at drinks all night, it’s showing off your wealth and security. I don’t care if she dances with him and then has you pay their Uber back to his place, it’s a jealousy trap and you my friend just saw her take the hook when they left together without you acting a fool.
3. She tells no one about you. Like no one. Ever.
If you have mutual friends and she’s never brought you up to them that you went to coffee together, that’s her way of keeping this passionate affair a romantic little secret. Anybody can be labeled a “boyfriend” — it’s takes a real man to go by the nickname “Who?”
4. She wears sweats when you hang out and never has makeup on.
Some girls are insecure - so they wear makeup and cute clothes and wash their hair to impress guys, but if she shows up to meet you while looking like she just took an afternoon nap, you’re in like Flynn! This means she doesn’t need to impress you and she wants you to see her in her “good morning” moment. If it seems like she didn’t brush her teeth either, expect her to be making this Facebook official soon
5. She blocks you on social media or swipes on Tinder right in front of you.
The internet is a pretty confusing monster. Trying to interact with people in person and through apps can be hard, so there’s a lot to know. If a girl blocks you on social media, it’s because obviously she doesn’t want to be distracted by you and your exciting life while she’s at work, so due to your sexual vibes, she’s felt it best to just deal with you in person.
The other thing to look for as a sign she wants to be your baby-mama is if she’s swiping on Tinder in front of you. If she shows you the 100 guys she’s matched with, it’s like bringing that extra guy on your date all over again. She wants you to know she’s a desired woman and that you’re lucky to be living in the same state as her.
As the pivotal ladies man myself, I know what I’m talking about.
I spent the last 8 days traveling. Over the past eight days I’ve driven to Tucson, AZ, flown to Orlando, FL, performed in 5 comedy shows, produced one, met up with my best friend and his wife, met up with an old friend and her husband, sang karaoke, danced at a night club with a total of 6 people, attended an eLearning conference, met the most important photographer in the world, made new friends in Orlando, and got food poisoning.
And I feel authentically blessed in every way.
Getting to perform comedy on the road (outside LA) is always a pleasure. Audiences are always more into the shows. This is date night. And girls night. And boys night. It isn’t “free ticket” night.
My favorite place right now is Laffs Comedy Cafe in Tucson, AZ. Not just because the owners are great. Not just because the Hooters is fantastic. Not just because my friend and his wife live there. But because the crowds really do appreciate great comedy. After the shows people take pictures, they talk to the comics, and they say “thank you.” Which oddly enough, a great compliment.
While sitting at the the bar during the middle act, one guy asked if he could just chat with me. He wanted to brag to his friends that he chilled with the comic. It was a great moment.
Also...promoting the show around town is fun. I’ll go to multiple venues and let people know where the best show in town is.
After my weekend I headed home with a stop in Claremont. At the Flappers in Claremont I produced a student showcase. Five students I’ve been working with tool to the stage after 6 weeks of working on material. Helping people craft their art is something I love. Helping them find their voice and share my experiences is the best way to give back. Watching them take the stage was a honor and a privilege.
The next morning I flew to Orlando. Let me say this. LAX is the proof of Satan’s existence.
Landing in Orlando was a bit overwhelming. I don’t fly often, so the process is new to me. But once I landed, I got my bags and headed to the Learning Guild Conference. Tuesday through Thursday was filled with amazing Key Note Speakers and new innovations in eLearning and microlearning.
One of the keynote speakers Platon of The New Yorker explained how to find humanity in art and images. It was a powerful speech. This man has photographed every major world leader and influencer for the past 30 years. He’s a modern genius. I took a picture with him. I made a joke I should just have him take a picture of me. That it be worth more as a “Platon Original.” He didn’t laugh. But the founder of the conference did. I took a pic and then turned it into B & W to make is fancy. I’m sure I failed at that too.
I also had the privledge to perform on a great show at Savoy in Orlando. Getting to travel for a work conference and perform across the country is such a cool perk of my life right now.
One of the highlights was meeting so many cool people in Orlando. I met teachers from all over. Business professionals. Instructional designers. And awesome bartenders.
While in Orlando I met a very funny, smart, pretty bartender who made my stay the first few nights that much easier. It’s amazing how nice people are once you start creating a conversation.
I also got got to meet up with old friends who live in the city. We ate great food, sang bad karaoke, and danced at a club with 3 girls from Rhode Island. For two reasons. They were cool and the only ones there.
Overall the trip was fantastic and filled with great memories and new people. The only thing I questioned was this sign.
Why the quotes?
Oh. And I made this observation about the men of Orlando. They all were so clean cut and still drinking.
I recently came across an article on how to know a guy is creepy. It was written by a girl. No offense, ladies, but you really aren’t very good at picking guys. The divorce rate proves this. Hey. You said yes!
So here are ten characteristics to look out for. Based on what ladies I know have picked, these guys are clearly the undatable creeps that’ll have you crying on the phone, calling the cops, and changing your numbers and moving out of state.
1. The Guy With A Job
Why date a guy with a job? They’re always busy with excuses and complain about “overtime.” Sounds like he’s cheating to me. Find you a guy financially dependent on you! At least you’ll know he’s at home all day and can’t woo another woman with pricy gifts.
2. The Guy With His Own Place
Can you trust a guy who lives alone? You know who also lives alone? SERIAL KILLERS! A guy with his own place can’t be trusted. At least with a guy who lives at home you know he’s still got a relationship with his parents. He’s the ultimate family man! Those guys who pay rent or mortgages (yuck!) will just be frustrated if you spill food on their floor. Stay At Home Son’s will let you lay around and not worry about making messes, because mommy or daddy will pick it up later. It’s like having a boyfriend with a maid and butler!
3. The Guy With No DUI’s
A guy with no DUI’s is a nerd who is bad in bed and has no friends. No DUI’s just means no fun. A guy with a few DUI’s is a risk taker. He risks his life and everyone else’s. Some pencil neck dweeb afraid of getting pulled over isn’t a man and he isn’t very fun either.
4. The Guy With No Face Piercings
A dude covered in piercings understands his face is a work of art for society to see. He doesn’t care about society or their “social norms.” A dude with a plain boring face will judge you and everyone else. But the guy who looks like Hellraiser is unique. Just go down to Venice or West Hollywood to see all the unique men out there. Plus, making out is more fun with your eyes constantly being poked and stabbed. It’s what I call 3-D loving.
5. The Guy With A Car
Think about this. A guy picks you up. In HIS car. You’re driving down the road then BOOM! He makes a sharp left and you’re now speeding across the border where he’s about to make you the third girl victim this week in his human trafficking operation. But a guy without a car can’t do that. He’s at your mercy. He’s gotta get Uber. He can’t go anywhere without your permission or Uber’s.
6. The Guy Under 6ft
If he’s under 6 feet tall, he’s probably a mass murderer. It’s creepy, right? Just be taller! Like those professional athletes he loves so much. Look ladies, if he can’t be 6 foot in the streets, he can’t be the man you need in the sheets. 5’6” Tom Cruise might have been a sex symbol in the 1990’s, but now that times are catching up, why settle for the human Hobbit. He probably lives in the ground too.
7. The Guy Who Texts/Calls Back
Ladies...imagine this scene. You’re at work. In the important meeting. And your phone beeps. It’s your man. The text reads “yes, I’ll pick up the dry cleaning.” You look at the message. The CEO asks what’s so important. You shrug it off. He gets mad and fires you! Now had you dated a guy who doesn’t respond, you’d still be employeed. Who needs a creeper with the free time to text or call you back. Not you, sweetie. Not you.
8. The Guy Who Isn’t Jealous
Jealously proves he loves you. If your boyfriend trusts you around other guys...or girls for that matter...obviously he’s creepy and probably cheating on you. So the next time your boyfriend says “Have fun with your co-workers at happy hour!” I hope you hook up with that guy in marketing so he’ll never take your love for granted again! Real men fight other men to show their Darwinian dominance.
9. The Guy With An Advanced Degree
A guy with a degree is creepy. A guy with an advanced degree...ewwwwww. What a loser. He’d probably rather read a book than get drunk and hit on your friends. He probably takes his job seriously since he worked hard to get it. Worse...he’s probably in debt from going to a good college. I bet he’ll correct your grammar too. Stay away from Nerdy McBooky.
10. The Guy Who Respects You And Your Wishes
What a wimp. A real man creates conflict and tension that later turns tears to beers to great make up dates. Why would you want a guy who loves you enough to know when to push and when to let you figure it out for yourself. That guy is a beta. You want an alpha.
A Final Note
This is a satirical piece of writing. Satire is dead in our society. It pains me to have to add this.
I wrote this because I see too many woman (and men) settling for losers. Real losers. Like dudes with nothing going for them. It’s not “potential” — it’s just called being a loser. I get it, he has a sweet side no one sees but you, but ask yourself this: If only you see something, doesn’t that make it like an imaginary thing?
Paul Douglas Moomjean Blog's About What's on His Mind
Blogging allows for me to rant when there is no stage in the moment to talk about what's important and/or funny to me.