Time to Have the Sex Talk

When I taught the beginning stand up class at Flappers, one of the issues that came up a lot had to do with talking about sex on stage. If there's one stereotype that comics get associated with is that they're foul mouthed perverts, and while I assumed most beginning students wanted to express themselves and their unique voice, it usually boiled down to them wanting to talk about sex. They saw their favorite comics talk about sex and now they wanted to tell dirty jokes. It was both cathartic and expressive. If they could just talk about their genitals, they knew they'd be a star. Sadly, most would do low hanging fruit jokes about butt holes and self pleasure, get a luke warm response and maybe move on to Level 2 Stand Up or quit once they slayed that dragon. Maybe you have some sex jokes that work for you. Maybe you're thinking about adding some. 

Here's a few comedy guidelines to think about before you try a butt hole joke that ends up ruining your set or worse, your relationship with the club or booker. 

First Rule: Sex Jokes Must Be Funnier Than They Are Dirty 
One thing young comics don't get is that the dirtier the joke, the harder it is to get the laugh. At least with audiences. Open micers will love anything that feels like a middle finger to their ultra religious dad or mom. So whatever your sex joke is, as long as it feels clever, insightful, or vulnerable AS WELL AS funny, many audiences will be okay with it. I learned this opening for Bert Kreischer one night. He can get pretty blue, but my mom, step dad and brother had come to watch me host (first paid gig) and after the show my mom told me she thought Bert was funny. 

This was a huge lesson for me. As long as the joke is funny, a comic doesn't sound as foul as when a open micer does a sex joke that just inspires groans and upset looks. 

How will you know if it's funnier than it's dirty? Great question. I have no idea until I try it on stage. My corporate button down act has expanded in tone and topics the past few years, and I can tell you, you won't know until you try. So don't try a new dirty joke at a big event, but wait for a small crowd or rowdy bar show. If it doesn't hit there, it most likely won't hit anywhere. 

Sex Jokes Still Have to Feel Real or Truthful
Again, open micers will laugh at anything remotely gross out of solidarity with their open micer kin folk. But paying audiences expect more from you. When talking about sex, try to keep it in the realm of reality in which someone believes you would have experienced or thought that idea. This is where your personality and brand plays a huge role. If you come across as a person who would have that experience or you have the look of someone who has that thought, the crowd will believe it. You can write the funniest sex joke ever, but if no one buys into your believing it, then it will just get a cringy look from crowds. 

I have a story where I took out an adult film actress and she offers me sex at a price. What could have been a crude sex joke is reframed as a joke on me not realizing this was what the date was leading up to. Plus, I don't use crude or crass language, nor to I put her down for her line of work. There was a dirty tag I had written in the middle of the bit, and that never really landed, and I took it out. In the end, I had a very funny sex joke that has no swears and I look like an idiot instead of me turning into some jerk, making fun of her.                

Do I Even Have to Write Sex Jokes? 
The short answer is of course no. But a lot of comics do because they want them in their back pocket in case they need to spice things up. I was doing a lot of clean shows when I first started. I was able to build out enough clean material to get a Dry Bar Special. But I was also doing a lot of late night and bar shows. While I stood out as a clean comic, and got laughs, I realized I needed to come up with something that appealed to the rowdier audience members who would heckle to get me to go dirty. 

So instead of writing a bunch of dirty jokes, I talked about my doctor and my conversation about my sexual abilities if I didn't get my diabetes and heart condition in order. So I got to have  sex joke, but within the reality of my life. That very much got me through a lot of wild bar shows and became a great closing bit. So while you don't have to, just know having a variety of jokes that fit your style will only help your career. 

Also, as your life changes, the stories and point of view will change. In the last four years, I've changed a lot and the type of people in my life changed the stories and experiences. All real, yet all altered to fit the stand up joke structure.  

Always Respect the Room's Rules 
Regardless of anything I said above, if the room has asked you to not perform any type or sexual jokes, then follow the rules. Even if you get a standing ovation, the booker may not book you again because their room has a brand they're trying to establish or maintain. I've worked bar shows where they've asked us to be PG and I've worked corporate rooms where I was told I can be dirty if I want. There is no definitive standard.

If you do want to ask the booker about the material, I would wait until you show up. No reason planting in their head all week the fear you can't do your time. You don't want to repeat the joke, but just ask, "Can I use this word" or "can I talk about this topic?" If they say no, just agree to be professional and have other jokes ready to go. But always respect the rules of the room - especially if you're getting paid. 

Final Thoughts
Talking about sex on stage is a real reason people get into standup. They want the freedom to express themselves. Whether it comes across as artistic, intellectual, or just crass, you can't decide how people will respond to the joke. The crowd might laugh or groan or sit in silence. That's part of the game we all play on stage. 

But I would encourage you to write any sex joke from a place of personal truth and not just a place of being bombastic or edgy. People still want a sense of vulnerability, and if it feels like you are just saying dirty things the way a seventh grader might if given a mic. 

​At the end of the day, it's your time on stage. You have to be okay with what you put out into the world, and as long as you can sleep at night, then feel free to experiment and play with words, social norms, and the audience. Who knows, you might even get a date out of it?