I hate camping.
Let me repeat that!
I hate camping. I've only camped 2 or 3 times in my life, but all were miserable.
I only remember two trips. One was in the summer of 1994. The other was in the fall of 2014. Both made me pee in the wild.
I'm going to write about my 1994 trip first. In the summer of 1994 my mother said we going to have a big fun camping trip with all the cousins. I had never camped before, so I wasn't against it. It was beach camping for crying out loud! How bad could it be?!
I found out.
I realized this was not going to be fun when my step dad and two uncles set up the camp sight at El Capitan and then the three of them bailed on us. I can still hear their laughter echoing through the camp site.
I was now, at 13, the oldest male on the trip with my mom, grandma, great aunt, two other aunts, and two second cousins. All female. All over 40. All overwhelmed.
My 11 year old brother set the tone on night one by using all the quarters to take a 45 minute shower. That night I slept in my text wet and sandy from the beach. I have yet to forgive him for that. That might keep me out of heaven.
My cousin Donald and my brother fought over pogs the entire time. One battle ended with Donald using the F word and his mother more worried about him losing at pogs than him losing his temper.
My cousin Scott got lost every 3 hours. My 3 year old cousin Logan kept screaming at invisible things and falling into the rocks. My brother was the ring leader of destruction. And I had to babysit all of them.
The older women just relaxed at the beach and cooked the hot dogs and Mac 'n Cheese. One time the cousins ate everything before me or the adults could get to it.
It was cold. It was damp. It was hell. Or camping...as the French call it.
I never understood why people camped. I assume teenagers and college kids do it to drink and do drugs. But after 25, why would anyone expose their kids to such a miserable, wet, cold, dirty experience?
By the end of the trip Donald (10 years old) kept kicking my feet while I helped pa I up. I ended up picking up my cousin Donald and tossing him into a bed of rocks. Two adults applauded.
So if you're camping this summer. I'm sorry. I'll stay indoors. With air. And heat. And showers that don't require coins.
Paul Douglas Moomjean Blog's About What's on His Mind
Blogging allows for me to rant when there is no stage in the moment to talk about what's important and/or funny to me.