​In 2021 I was facing the scariest moment of my life. Two July's ago I had a near death experience in the form of massive heart failure. Dripping in sweat, pain through all my body, and an ever present sense of doom lurking over me, I was told I would had only 6 months to live had I not come to the emergency room that fateful day. Massive heart failure is no joke. After getting out and having a fresh lease on life, I began looking at everything differently - dating, career, and especially money. This lead me down a rabbit hole of dealing with my debt, taxes, and my problem with credit cards. Eventually, I cleaned up everything, but as I talked with other comics I began to realize that many have little to no financial literacy. So, with Tax Day (April 15) coming up, I thought I'd help give some advice that might save you from the bank account and debt depression I was facing. Because if you know it or not, not taking care of your finances can be a crime, and if there's one group you don't want to ignore, it's Uncle Sam and the IRS.

We're Talking About Taxes
Taxes are not fun to talk about, but when you think about all the contract and independent work comics and other artists deal with, it is important to address this issue - if only to save you some money and potential jail time. If you don't know how serious paying your taxes is, you can go to jail for not filing and have heavy fines for not paying. The government can put leans on property, go into your bank account, and garnish your wages. I know the last one from personal experience. So, I'm writing this to save you all the headaches I've dealt with. While some people haven't paid or even filed in years, just know, when the government does catch you, it won't be pretty. And all it takes is a vendor who paid you to get an audit and your name pops up. Then Uncle Sam is knocking on your door.  

Being an Artist Means You're Broke One Day, Rich the Next 
The struggle with most artists is that they are paid sporadically. One day they make a few hundred to thousands in a gig, the next two months, they're begging family for a couple bucks. When the pandemic hit, the ones who had been paying their taxes got $600 plus unemployment benefits and made more money than they had in their life. I know, because the comedy school I was running got a huge boost in 2020 from young comics with disposable income and I had dropped the pricing from $395 to $195 ($150 for some) and everyone told me they could only afford it because of the stimulus checks. 

This is why I encourage artists to keep to cash flow their career as much as possible. Too many comics try to live a "normal" life and end up in debt. In fact, one student during the pandemic didn't get stimulus checks and used a credit card, racking up $3,000 in debt he couldn't pay back. He figured he'd be famous after taking all the classes at once. When I told him, "But I'm not famous," I could hear his eyes widen, even over the phone. 

You're An Independent Contractor - A One Man Business  
When you are stating to get paid gigs, you don't think about the money being life changing. $25 bucks here or there. Plus, so many gigs are paid in cash or Venmo, that keeping track can be a problem, and many find themselves filling the gas tank or buying Taco Bell on the way home from a $25 gig, meaning they basically break even or lose money. 

The other issue with comedian pay is that they are an independent contractor - therefore taxes are not taken out of their earnings. Just so you know, if you get paid under $600 you don't have to report the earnings, but if you make $600+ the venue should send you a 1099 in January and you'll pay 25% to 30%on your earnings. Hopefully, you have write-offs like food, gas, milage, streaming and newspaper subscriptions, and other items to offset your earnings so you are operating at a loss or breaking even. Turbo Tax can only do so much, so you'll need a good accountant to make sure everything you do is legal or you'll be in hot water with the IRS. You can fid them for $200 in most cases.  

What If I Never Get a 1099? 
This happens a lot, as places just ignore under $1,000 or even more, and just take you off the books. So that door deal you did for $800 becomes a ghost deal in Quickbooks. On the surface, you think you dodged a tax bullet, but in reality, you might have just hurt your chances at getting a car loan or apartment - because all that unaccounted income adds up. So when you go apply for an apartment, and you write down on the income line, you make X amount, when they ask for proof, there's no 1099 to back you up. 

In this case, depending on what you want to do, you can claim the money as earned income on your tax return or not report it and just hope that business never gets audited. Technically, you both are responsible, but ignorance is bliss. Yet, here's why I always claim my additional income: 
Let's say you apply for an apartment and you don't have W-2's or weekly check stubs that meet the minimum income, you will need your tax forms to help you. Telling a landlord "I make an extra $100 every week at a sketchy dive bar show" won't cut it. But creating a revenue line that is a binding legal document can suddenly move your income up.

Don't be afraid of paying taxes later. If you are tracking your write-offs, you should be able to break even or still get a refund. 

The other reason to track all of this and maintain financial integrity is for when you start making real money. Too many comics I know never showed this discipline, and now they are years behind in paying taxes and they're just one day from the IRS going, "Wait! When did you start making all this additional income?" 

Remember, just because the IRS hasn't caught on to your fuzzy math, if the comedy club or business has to get audited, then they'll come looking for you. I literally had family members go through that scenario,               

You Don't Have to Pay But You Do Have to File Your Taxes 
I'm friends with a lot of creatives. Models. Singers. Actors. Comedians.It's shocking how many avoid taxes all together. Taxes is the LEAST SEXY topic in the world. I'm pretty sure I have lost my chance with a few women trying to help them not get in trouble with the IRS. Stupidly, while on a date. But while it might seem minor, it can hurt you financially and legally if you don't keep track and file each year. 

First off, it's a federal crime not to file. You don't have to pay right away, but you have to file. You could have terrible, irreversible fines, and even worse, potential jail time if they believe you are committing fraud.  

Secondly, you cannot qualify for a house or certain loans, and you certainly will have issues in relationships if your significant other realizes they might inherit a tax burden not worth dealing with.
Third, you will lose the ability to earn unemployment, stimulus checks, and other income programs. The whole system only works if everyone pays in and when needed, the system pays out.
Fourthly, it could hurt your social life and work reputation. I never paid my student loans and was garnished, meaning my job found out. And I have female friends who had guys break it off with them when they realized they were a tax liability for not paying or filing. No one wants to spend their honeymoon visiting their spouse in federal prison.       

Credit Cards and Debt - The Death of Comedy  
While I am very conservative and don't use credit cards due to the fear of owing and not being able to pay due to revenue loss or medical hinderance, I understand that some people are more disciplined or have savings that they can dip into at the end of the month to pay down the balance. 
With that said, if you are putting your comedy career on debt, hoping it will pay off, be wise. Spending thousands on festivals, airline tickets, hotels, and travel expenses hoping to make it big can become frustrating. Make sure you are budgeting, keeping receipts, etc. so you aren't eaten alive by the road. I like cash flowing my comedy so I don't get into a pickle, but if you feel comfortable using credit cards, then I suggest you talk to your credit union about a business card, which will help with "business expenses" that don't intermingle with "personal expenses." 

Because remember, if you spent $50 to enter a comedy festival, you will pay interest on it, so now it's more than you initially paid. Same with all other expenses.   

Final Thoughts 
I know this wasn't my most "exciting" article, but I feel that if you want to make this a real career, you need to to know what you didn't see coming, as I learned the hard way in 2018 and ended up owing over $5,000 because of 1099's and not keeping track of my expenses. Now, I work with great accountants and I'm on top of everything. I also have no desire to see any of you suffer. Just for the record, many of my modeling, artist. and actor friends have taken my advice to file after ignoring for years, only to find out they got FAT (Phat) refunds.

I also don't want you to deal with the confusion other comics deal with. Too many of them ask me about life skills they can't ask others out of embarrassment; so I know this is valuable to many of you. 
Below is a one hour podcast with one of my favorite financial guru's Caleb Hammer. He's interviewing comedy phenom Hans Kim from Kill Tony fame. He went from homeless to $300,000 a yea, and he has no idea how to take care of himself. Watch it for a very entertaining hour.

If you need any resources, I'm going to share a few websites and YouTube pages below that can help you. Just for the record, I'm not getting paid for advertising these pages, but they have helped me a lot and want to pay it forward. Remember, you're not alone, and financial literacy isn't that hard once you start taking steps in the right direction.
​

​TAX RESOURCES 

Tax Websites
TurboTax - Self Tax Resource 
Dave Ramsey Specialists - Find a Tax Preparer Around You 

Budgeting Tools 
Rocket Money - See Where Your Money is Going 
Every Dollar - Budget Your Whole Income  

Favorite YouTube Channels 
Dave Ramsey - For Getting Out of Debt 
Caleb Hammer - For Budgeting and Creating Emergency Funds
Graham Stephan​ - A Frugal Millennial and Great Real Estate Advice   

Being a comedian has a lot of unique frustrations, but maybe the biggest one is getting unsolicited advice from everyone you know. I don't care if you've been doing standup for 1 day or 10 years, you're going to get advice from friends, family, comics, bookers, audience members, strangers, and even social media trolls. It seems no one knows how to write a song but everyone knows how to tell a joke. And better than you. They also know if your jokes are "good enough" or not to win comedy contests, get on late night TV, or start headlining.

People will DM you about jokes you posted. People will tell you to call Netflix. People will ask "when are you playing The Comedy Store?" And that's just your family at Thanksgiving. Yet, if you take everyone's advice or suggestions you will find yourself battling conflicting suggestions. You can't work on a corporate friendly Dry Bar set while also trying to make Roast Battle a thing. You can't write a bunch of spec sketches and scripts and be on the road all month. Some advice will be antithetical to your personal life - becoming a cruise comic might be fun but your family at home might not like you gone all the time.

So let's look at how to take advice and criticism correctly, so you can navigate your career correctly and maximize the financial potential as well. 

Solicited v. Unsolicited Advice 
There is a clear difference between advice asked for and advice thrusted upon you. When you ask a fellow comic for a joke tag or career advice, just take it in and decide if that works for you. Don't be reactionary. You asked, remember. I'll never forget co-running the feedback mic at Flappers or running the feedback sessions at Flapper's auditions and people KNEW they were going to get feedback, and they'd get defensive and snippy. Most didn't, but about 20-25% would shoot back with "that killed last week" and then act all pouty. The worst is when people took a Level 1 workshop with me and then tell me, "Well, George Carlin did those types of jokes!" Then why did you take the class if you can just watch George Carlin? 

With unsolicited advice, you also have to take a breather and just know that they are coming from a place of ignorance. I like to smile and say, "I'll think about that." Then I walk away. Remember, any person who can't just say "nice job" but feels the need to share their thoughts probably do this to the Starbucks barista, their pastor, and have a disjointed relationship with their kids. It's a DNA defect most of the time. Their pappy was a advice giver and his pappy before him.         

Most People Who Give Unsolicited Advice Don't Have Your Best Intentions At Heart 
You didn't see that coming did you? While most people think their advice is solid, ask yourself: Is this person even in my industry? Do they have success that I want as well? If not, then why would they give you "free" advice? 

Without sounding like a conspiracy theorist, most people don't have your best interests at heart - they have their own.

If someone says you're too dirty, they mean "I would never say that joke."

If someone calls you "too woke" or "too conservative" they just mean for their tastes. You offended them and they're using fancy linguistic techniques to skirt around the issue they felt upset for a second. 

If someone says you "need more of this..." in your act or "focus on this aspect..." what they are usually saying is "I focused on that and if you do the opposite it makes me second guess my choices." 

Plus, at the root of non-comedian advice is basically people saying, "I didn't follow my dreams, so I don't like the way you're teetering on the edge here." 

They don't know they're being passive aggressive. This is all Freudian subconscious psychotherapy analysis, but I'm a big believer in Freud. Most people have a low emotional IQ, so when they feel something they don't like, instead of introspectively looking at their response, they simply want others to stop doing what they don't like. 

This is where the "cancel culture" attitudes stem from. People wanting to rid the culture of things they don't like, not acknowledging that the things they do like, can be just as offensive to someone else. In Roger Ebert's review of The People v. Larry Flint (1996) he broke down the 1st Amendment trial with this deconstructive argument:

 "The Supreme Court's ruling in the Hustler case came under attack at the time, but consider this: If (Rev. Jerry Falwell) had won his suit against Flynt, this newspaper would be fundamentally different. The editorial cartoons could not make fun of public officials. The op-ed columns could not risk offending. The lawyers might have questioned a recent review in which I said a film should be cut up into ukulele picks; after all, that might have hurt the director's feelings. And Falwell himself might not have been able to broadcast his sermons, because they might have offended atheists (or you, or me)."

When people attack or critique you, look at how they might benefit or where their alliances run. Maybe they are embarrassed by your act and think their friends or family are watching. Maybe they are afraid you're going to become too big for them one day. Maybe they just like being antagonistic because its a personality trait. People are more complex than we want to admit.  

Creating Boundaries With Family and Friends
You can't escape the know-it-all audience member or YouTube comment section guy. Family and friends are a different story. In this case, creating boundaries is the key. Learning when to respond and how to respond varies. One thing I like to suggest is that people ask questions before making statements. So if you have a family member who wishes you were just working more on your 9 to 5 or focusing on their agenda for you, feel free to tell them to ask inquisitive questions, not bold critiques. If they didn't like a joke, asking "what inspired that joke?" instead of saying "its not funny" goes a long way. Half the time they're upset because they didn't get the joke to begin with.         

If you find people are giving you career advice, it just might be because they are ignorant. When they say things like, "You should write for SNL," just let them know "I'll ask my friends with connections about the process." No reason to explain how hard breaking into the top networks and platforms are. If they asked a dumb question, then they wouldn't understand why they're wrong for asking to begin with. 

While their ignorance is frustrating, no reason to cause WWIII. If they do become overtly hostile, feel free to respond with something simple like. "I will worry about my career and you worry about yours. I don't tell you how to do your job, so let's maintain our relationship on things we have in common, not what divides us." They might not like it, but having a canned answer stops you from saying something you might regret later.   

People who feel the need to "be right" aren't going to change for you, but you can at least put an end to their ill informed suggestions. 

Final Thoughts 
Working in a negative energy can be hard. When people flood your head with ideas, critiques, suggestions, etc. that are not useful, it can wear you down and create doubt in your plans and current strategies. Yet, as awful as some advice is, you can always pull the nuggets out that might be a wind to help refocus your sail. Rudyard Kipling's poem "IF" asked that question a long time ago:

If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

When I was in college, I had an English professor grade papers in a blue or black color pencil. He said, if you don't like something, just erase it. I loved that. Take the critiques that work and brush off the ones that don't. Life is too busy to let someone live rent free in your head all day. I mean, at least make them buy you a couple drinks first. 

One complaint people have about comedy is that too many comics hit too many of the same "hacky" topics like airplane food, Trump jokes, and dating. While every joke can rise above mere observation and into the personal, some topics will always be in the stand up vernacular. And dating is no exception. While airplane food has evaporated as airlines reduce the perks of flying, and Trump jokes will eventually go away in a few years when he does (prison or natural causes), the insights and stories about dating will always haunt the mind of comics, as it will always haunt the minds of audience members around the globe as well. 

Dating v. Marriage Jokes 
While dating jokes seem to be in the arsenal of most comics, there are less marriage jokes in the world of stand up. It is also because there are just more ingle comics. Especially with younger comics coming up. While most people in their early or mid 20's are getting full time jobs and engaged, comics tend to be made up of socially awkward souls hoping to find kindred spirits. In fact, many standups abandon the stage limelight for TV and movies after getting married, leaving a majority of single comics to tell their truth in the world of Tinder, blind dates, and sliding into DM's. 

Just know that comics can make the transition. Chris Rock, Jim Gaffigan, and Iliza have all switched their point of view and expanded their fan base while being married. Meanwhile, the comics who didn't "grow up" in their standup either plateaued or fell off. Pauley Shore and Dane Cook come to mind.        

The Trouble with Relationships and Comedy
I don't care if you are a humorist, storyteller, TV writer, standup or improv team member - dating is just going to be a burden in ways your "normal" friends can't relate. I know so many funny, bright, attractive people in comedy who clearly are not against marriage, but find their relationships hitting dead ends even as their careers flourish. If a person gets promoted in a regular job, their spouse celebrates; when a comic moves up the Hollywood ladder, the spouse sees scheduling date night as a nightmare. This might be why you see celebrities divorcing again an again. Sure, many people divorce, but there appears to be a theme in every documentary about comics. In fact, I knew a group of male comics in their 50's and 60's tell me about how their wives were just sick of the comedian lifestyle. I'm sure they saw red flags when they were first dating, but it was probably far less demanding schedule starting out. But as the comic grew in status, the marriage grew apart. 
So let's look at a few pitfalls and see where we can all be a little better in work/life balance.  

Not Everyone Loves a Clown 
Men and women share different relationships with humor growing up. Boys are encourage to be funny and athletic and girls are encouraged to be pretty and smart. Ask any parent about their son. The dad brags about his football team and the mom thinks he's the funniest boy in the world. Then ask them about their daughter. She's in all honors classes and the prettiest girl in her class. These early childhood compliments set us up for gender stereotypes that do create relationship expectations that can create antagonism in dating and marriage. 

Ever heard this one: "Everything is a joke to you!" Sometimes the funny guy becomes the annoying guy very quickly, and what created the fun sexual tension becomes the reason you're just arguing now. While boys were encouraged to be funny, and men use humor to seduce women, at some point the comic has to put the mic down, and I know from personal experience, women have told me I joke too much. I've argued that no one likes a comedy show longer than 90 minutes, and no one wants to be with a comic who is always on. This applies to woman comics too, but this seems to be more of a male problem. Clearly, men need to have the maturity to deal with life's problems, but when you are rewarded with positive reinforcement for being funny, the solution to one aspect of life becomes the problem in another.

Women face the exact opposite, as most men are deeply intimidated by funny women. Clearly, not all men. But it's a very high percentage of men who do not like the idea of their girlfriend being the funny one in the relationship. So when a woman breaks into comedy, they will find this to be a hinderance in dating. I've personally always liked dating funny women. But where the conflict came is when the two of us kept joking to the point nothing got done. In some ways, just like in movies, there should be a straight man and a comic foil. So if a man was smart, he'd see the value in a funny female mate and play the straight character. I know that there is animosity within men dealing with funny women because I have multiple male comics complain when they see a female comic rising up the ranks, passing them. They don't seem as mad when men pass them by. In fact, I know many female comics whose husbands tried stand up as some type of proof they were just as funny, to unbelievably failing results. The patriarchy strikes again. Haha.  

Ladies, if you find him agitated by your quick wit, run.    

The Income Divide 
One major factor that hurts comics in dating is the income issue. Because it is hard to pay bills in drink tickets and nonpaid shows. I have a lot of buddies who told me their girlfriends told them if they don't make money after a certain point then they need to quit. Living in a one bedroom apartment with five other guys doesn't make women look forward to a future with Mr. Funny Guy. 
I've found this to be more of a male problem than female one, and I'd love to hear if the female comics have their boyfriends or husbands ask them to stop doing comedy due to a lack of income. 
Another problem is that once a comic starts making money, he or she might start making enough to justify being full time but expenses become an argument. Everything from camera equipment to podcast equipment in an attempt to expand the brand costs money. Maintaining a car with gas, oil changes, and buying food on the road just builds the credit card debt or depletes the bank account. Plus, the 1099 status can create tax issues as well. 

They say most divorces are about money, and the life of a struggling artist is a recipe for argument city.       

Being a Traveling Comic
This weekend I'm heading off to Carson, NV for a weekend of gigs. I'll leave early Friday morning and get back late Sunday night. There goes date night. While I love standup, there is a taxation on one's dating life. Now imagine if I had a girlfriend or wife and she had an emergency? I'm in the Reno area and she's trying to figure out whatever the problem is...alone. It's an unspoken truth in most comic's lives, but it is hard to go on dates when you're the entertainment for other people's dates. 
There are 52 weeks a year. A good comic will perform on 30+ weekends a year. There are going to be a lot of Saturday nights where the comic is working and the significant other is sitting at home or playing third or fifth wheel with other couples. There are week long runs in casinos, flight delays, and extended stays because Saturday sold out and Sunday shows got added. The traditional 9 to 5 is out.

And the Catch-22 is that it's how the money gets made.  

Traveling can become a frustrating burden on early relationship building. I know I've dated women who found it exciting I travel to perform comedy, but when we can't have another date for 20 days because of our schedules, that excitement leaves soon, and she suddenly found a guy with a normal schedule.

In fact, I know many comics who got divorced and their wives told them it was the lifestyle of traveling that ate at them. Please don't think I'm only picking on comics. This was also an issue for my wrestling coach buddies who spent 30+ weekends taking their teams to season and off season tournaments. Relationships don't work when there's little time to relate. Spending my entire 20's coaching and my 30's doing comedy, I have been a workaholic, and I've felt that strain in my love life.           

Final Thoughts  
When I taught my Getting Booked on the Road Class at Flappers I would open with: "Wanna be a road comedian? If you're single, stay single. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, break up. If you're married, get divorced. And if you have kids, find an adoption agency." It was met to mostly laughs. One time a comic asked about work/life balance. A few of us smiled and chuckled. She wasn't wrong to ask, but bookers don't care if their weekend offer of headlining is the same weekend as Billy's birthday or your two year anniversary. You have to hustle for every single gig, and the single bird gets the worm.       

That's why it is important to really be honest with yourself on your goals and desires. It's okay if standup is a hobby. I hate when older comics call others "hobbyists," as if someone can't get up when it works for them. Life is lonely, and the road is lonelier. If you are giving up human connection for a side hustle that produces nothing but frustration, it will bleed into other areas of life. Then no one will date you. 

When you break it all down, at the core, you are a human being. You are not just a comic. You are a human being who does comedy. Being single, married, or enjoying the throuple life is a personal choice. Just know that when you start a relationship, be aware of the above concerns to be normal things the other person might find problematic. And I didn't even touch on comics dating comics and the jealously issues in that Pandora's box.

​As for advice if you're single and want it all? I can't help you on that. I'm a single 42 year old dude. But I can say that keeping a few nights free just in case you want a date night, just might be the best way to build a life where you at least are making room for a future you might want one day.        

Hey Moomers!

I'm excited to announce my new career shift as we enter a new era of comedy. I'm giving up comedy and becoming an Alpha life coach! Comedy no longer satisfies my loins the way it used to, and if you're honest with your inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King within, you too will admit it's time to quit the Beta way and become the Alpha. So I've been spending the last three months creating this kick your balls to walls course! If you still wanna see me do comedy, I put my last month of gigs on the bottom. Luckily, The Comedy Store still supports male comedy and agreed to let me finish out my career with them. But enough about the past! The future is me! I am the future. And I've come from the future to teach you the ways of the Alpha! Below you will find my new Course - Alpha April Course! Each month is only $20,000 to become the man you always wanted to be. Manly May and Jacked June will be added soon!

​And ladies, you too can be the Alpha, so don't worry! I haven't forgotten about you. Especially the hot ones with huge juggs! Double "G" there on purpose because that's how I like my womens! So take a look at my new brand and course and my back story! Do it, losers! And remember, when in doubt, Be the Moom!       

A Long Road To This Moment - Finding Your Inner Alpha Horse Lion King Creature 
When I look back on my journey, I realize, I took the wrong route. Religion. Education. Coaching. Giving back. All were keeping me down. I spent too much time trying to be what "society" wanted and not what my inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King wanted. The old Paul wanted meaning. The new Paul (aka Moom Man from now on) wants to feed the inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King instead of feeding his neighbor. And since switching gears, my life has seen dramatic changes.    

First Rule: Don't Support Anyone Unless You Are Given Full Credit 
It's sad, but in my old life, "Paul" (which means little) wasn't even the star of his own life. Routinely, I was cropped out of pictures that were posted on "social media." Now maybe it's because of passive aggressive tactics my Beta soul was perpetuating. Or maybe it was because I had no idea how to frame a picture. But I was playing second fiddle to my own life. That's why it's important you never do anything unless everyone knows you did it and get full credit. I don't care what part you played. Maybe you just opened the car door for a woman. You now tell people I OPENED EVERY DOOR FOR HER EVER! 

By puuting (I'm not fixing typos anyomre) yourself up front, you will become the Alpha you were meant to be! And people will regret sharing in your success because they'll realize you were really the only moving piece in a team effort.        

Rule Numero Dos: Change Your Partners; Not Yourself 
Being an Alpha Horse Lion Creature King means who only date and seduce the top of the line women. But in those first few months, you might not have the Super Sexy Seduction Tools to get Grade-A Chicks. That was my problem. So I made sure to force my ladies to lose over 230 pounds within a month. While many of them spent a lot of time in hospital, until I kept them in the basement with a water cup, the results speak for themselves. Notice, I maintained my body frame, because I am made in the image of the Alpha Horse Lion Creature King. Women are not. But that doesn't mean you can't force her to lose weight and become the Alpha version of herself. Look at the pics below, proving my highly controversial methods work and not "harmful to society" like the courts claimed.

The Third Rule of Fight Club: Eat Only Raw Meat 
I know what you're thinking. Moom, Did you get taller? Yes. But I don't wanna talk about that. I want to talk about the special secret spiritual powers of raw meat. Below you can see I took one of my many lady female women companions (real Moomers don't commit to just one) to the fanciest restaurant in town: Black Bear Diner. Here I was able to spoil her with an all raw meat meal. Many don't know, but at Black Bear Diner you can fight a bear to win a free meal, and I made her do just that. No reason to murder a bear in seconds when I could watch a hot woman do it for me. Watching her wrestle the bear while I ate raw meat on a spork was better than any UFC fight. After defeating the bear, Chablis was eventually sent to the hospital (women, right?), but the moral of the story is I didn't have to pay. (pics below)  

Rule 4: If You Can't Eat Raw Meat, Eat Candles That Look Like Food 
As a Moomer, you only want to eat raw red meat. But sometimes you're at a place that says they won't serve you that, and since carrying raw red meat in your survivor's tool kit would look silly, I tell my Moomers to have candles that look like real food ready all all time. First off, no one will know the difference, and thirdly the wax will fill you up and make you constipated so you stay full all day. Below you will find the wings and corn "meal" I'm selling for $69.99 on my website. Buy now. Feel full forever.    

V: The Future is Me and My Master Plan of Domination 
I know some of you are shocked I' quitting comedy while others are excited to take my $20,000 course. You can just Venmo me the amount. The IRS will not find it suss at all. I just want you all to benefit the way I have. As a master of the universe (me and He-Man), I feel I would be holding back society if I didn't create this course. So sign up now. And get ready for my new podcast, where I just yell at women who didn't date me in high school. It's called Incelebrity and you are going to love it!
Moom on! Moom on!      

Below are images proving I'm the Alpha Horse Lion Creature King! 

One time, while chatting with a slightly intoxicated comedy club owner, they told me the scariest piece of insight in how clubs survive - they said, "we pay our bills off the back of delusional people." It was such a cold and calculating comment to make. They said it with all the conviction in the world, and as if they've said it multiple times. Like it was the business plan mantra. I imagine the business loan process at the loan looking like this: 

Bank: "How do you plan to pay us back, Comedy Club Owner?" 
Club Owner: "On the backs of delusional people." 
Bank: "Deal! Here's a bag of money." 

Both laugh like evil villains in a 1920's silent film, both twirling their mustaches as a girl is tied to the train tracks in the background. 

That is not how any of it goes down (I think), but I can tell you that if you think a comedy club or the industry as a whole cares about you, you will find yourself in a very dark pace down the road. It's a conditional love. The condition being, you mutually benefit. Sometimes that means you are bringing guests, sometimes you're bringing the laughs, sometimes you're bringing higher level comics, etc. But in the end, many will feed off delusions of grandeur to maintain their bottom line.  

The fastest way to build your relationship with venues and bookers is to bring people or have a following, but the best way to have longevity is to be honest with your own abilities and limitations. Because if you listen to them, they might say untruthful things that can make you feel you're going in the right direction, or they can discourage you in ways that cause you to quit before you have your real breakthrough. While most producers, bookers, and venues are decent, many will feed you delusion pills to get you excited about supporting their business more than they are about supporting your comedy career.   

Here's a breakdown of ways to maintain your sanity and not become reliant on being fed delusional pills. 

For the Record, Most Won't "Make It"
If you feel like there are just so many comics and so many things to do to "make it," you aren't delusional. The comedy world is a hard business with a lot of gatekeepers and secret societies. But there are also a lot of transparent groups and comics that will really help you and give solid advice and opportunities. It's important to not put pressure on yourself to reach levels of success that you cannot control. Too often, people want to get passed at a club or get a comedy special, but that requires a lot of moving pieces you don't see in the forefront. It's not just the funniest comics who "make it." It's the ones who are in the right place at the right time. If you don't accept the luck factor, you'll keep running in circles that just tire you out. Most won't "make it," but many can make a good go of it. Comedy might not be the bread and butter of your bank account, but it can lead to other great things and be an appetizer.   

With that said, I always remind people, "Everyone is just one viral video away from fame." So reach for the stars, but it's okay if you only land on the moon. 

Don't Fall For False Promises  
If any booker or venue promises you anything like "we can make you famous" or "we can get you in front of the right people," be wary. I know clubs promise comics opportunities to open for big names, get in front of industry, etc. and the top comic never sees them (because they come later) or the industry is nothing more than their buddy who once sold a screenplay to a production company. There are bringer shows and comedy schools that tell comics the booker of big clubs will see them. There are clubs that hold their marque stars up in the air like carrots to grab. There are "headliners" who promise a lot of work if you do X, Y, or Z. But they come at a price. Sometimes it's your dignity and sometimes your own well-being. You become obsessed with the promised fame, you forget the comedy part, and kind of lose your soul. And if you think a club or comic will make you famous, ask yourself if they have a real solid track record or are considered a top resource as well. 

Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses
"Know thyself." Socrates said that a minute ago. And if you want to make sure you are not getting taken advantage of, having an honest assessment of yourself is key. If you are a few months/years into stand up and the booker or a producer tells you that you're ready to do something that takes others years or decades to do, there's probably some strings attached or conditions behind the promises. If a major headliner is asking you to go on the road with them, and you are brand new in comedy, there could be underlying reasons. They may like the power dynamics so they can bully you. They may want to sleep with you. They may even have you performing before them to look better after you bomb. Or worse...all three. These are not conspiracy theories. I know people who have gone through these very situations. If a comedian DM'd you after seeing a clip and wants to put you on the road with them, then be wary of what might come. Asking to be on one local show, sure. Traveling without a relationship? Totally sus. They are clearly trying to feed off the desire to get gigs faster, and that road leads to a lot of scary situations.        

Be a Student of Comedy (Inside and Out)
Being a student of comedy means understanding the basics of joke structure, the psychology of the audience, the business, and the wear and tear both physically and mentally on you. Study the greats. But don't always watch them for the topics they address; instead watch how they structure a headlining set. When do they go blue? How do they use crowd work? How many times do they use rule of three's or act outs? Learn the music and the lyrics. 

The same goes for controlling the audience. Be actively watching the faces of audience members while on stage. If people are listening but not laughing, then clearly you are being interesting, and you must punch up the jokes. If you are being high energy and no one seems to be watching you, time to slow down and get their attention differently.

And do not take the business side lightly. Learning the business side will keep you from getting burnt out and help you make money. When I realized early on I could sell tickets, I started utilizing door deals with venues. Why have my friend's money go to the club, when I could take a little as well? Major draws doesn't let clubs keep 100% of their ticket sales, and if you are bringing a fan base, neither should you.      

Burning Bridges Can Go Both Ways 
People warned me when I left Flappers and started my own thing I was "burning bridges." First off, who says burning bridges is always wrong. Sometimes you burn the bridge so you won't walk across it again. Sometimes you burn bridges to separate any guilt by association. Sometimes you burn bridges because you know things others don't and wisdom is power. 

Sometimes you have to burn the bridge to find better bridges. And remember, some comedy clubs are the ones responsible for burning the bridges, not comics. There are a lot of clubs that hold back on development spots, don't pay equally, bump you for bigger acts, screw you on door deals, steal your theme show and run their own, run schools and then don't book you because you stop taking classes, demand loyalty without returning it, and won't book your comedian friends because of a petty argument. When a club stops booking you for no reason or the bringer producer stopped booking you when your friends stopped coming, they're the bridge burner. There are bookers who created such a Stockholm Syndrome on comics, they got comics blaming their friends for not coming out enough and supporting their career. 

Whenever I hear a comic complain that their friends didn't support them, that's just the club using dark tactics to shift responsibility from them onto your family and friends. "I'd love to book you, but you need to bring your friends out," is such a manipulative tactic. There are plenty of clubs and small venues that don't require that. So if you walk away, it's not you who burned the bridge, it's them who lit the match. 

​Final Thoughts
Having longevity in comedy is hard. There are going to be better times and seasons than others. Years where you strike gold, and years where you strike dirt. But don't let the leeches or bad comics mislead you. Because flattery when not earned is a one way road to delusion. The Bible says in Proverbs 29:5, "A man who flatters his neighbor lays a trap for his feet." Don't allow anything to create delusion. You'll know when you're making it, when the jokes are hitting, and when they want you for your talent and professionalism.