What's the Deal with Dating a Comic?

One complaint people have about comedy is that too many comics hit too many of the same "hacky" topics like airplane food, Trump jokes, and dating. While every joke can rise above mere observation and into the personal, some topics will always be in the stand up vernacular. And dating is no exception. While airplane food has evaporated as airlines reduce the perks of flying, and Trump jokes will eventually go away in a few years when he does (prison or natural causes), the insights and stories about dating will always haunt the mind of comics, as it will always haunt the minds of audience members around the globe as well. 

Dating v. Marriage Jokes 
While dating jokes seem to be in the arsenal of most comics, there are less marriage jokes in the world of stand up. It is also because there are just more ingle comics. Especially with younger comics coming up. While most people in their early or mid 20's are getting full time jobs and engaged, comics tend to be made up of socially awkward souls hoping to find kindred spirits. In fact, many standups abandon the stage limelight for TV and movies after getting married, leaving a majority of single comics to tell their truth in the world of Tinder, blind dates, and sliding into DM's. 

Just know that comics can make the transition. Chris Rock, Jim Gaffigan, and Iliza have all switched their point of view and expanded their fan base while being married. Meanwhile, the comics who didn't "grow up" in their standup either plateaued or fell off. Pauley Shore and Dane Cook come to mind.        

The Trouble with Relationships and Comedy
I don't care if you are a humorist, storyteller, TV writer, standup or improv team member - dating is just going to be a burden in ways your "normal" friends can't relate. I know so many funny, bright, attractive people in comedy who clearly are not against marriage, but find their relationships hitting dead ends even as their careers flourish. If a person gets promoted in a regular job, their spouse celebrates; when a comic moves up the Hollywood ladder, the spouse sees scheduling date night as a nightmare. This might be why you see celebrities divorcing again an again. Sure, many people divorce, but there appears to be a theme in every documentary about comics. In fact, I knew a group of male comics in their 50's and 60's tell me about how their wives were just sick of the comedian lifestyle. I'm sure they saw red flags when they were first dating, but it was probably far less demanding schedule starting out. But as the comic grew in status, the marriage grew apart. 
So let's look at a few pitfalls and see where we can all be a little better in work/life balance.  

Not Everyone Loves a Clown 
Men and women share different relationships with humor growing up. Boys are encourage to be funny and athletic and girls are encouraged to be pretty and smart. Ask any parent about their son. The dad brags about his football team and the mom thinks he's the funniest boy in the world. Then ask them about their daughter. She's in all honors classes and the prettiest girl in her class. These early childhood compliments set us up for gender stereotypes that do create relationship expectations that can create antagonism in dating and marriage. 

Ever heard this one: "Everything is a joke to you!" Sometimes the funny guy becomes the annoying guy very quickly, and what created the fun sexual tension becomes the reason you're just arguing now. While boys were encouraged to be funny, and men use humor to seduce women, at some point the comic has to put the mic down, and I know from personal experience, women have told me I joke too much. I've argued that no one likes a comedy show longer than 90 minutes, and no one wants to be with a comic who is always on. This applies to woman comics too, but this seems to be more of a male problem. Clearly, men need to have the maturity to deal with life's problems, but when you are rewarded with positive reinforcement for being funny, the solution to one aspect of life becomes the problem in another.

Women face the exact opposite, as most men are deeply intimidated by funny women. Clearly, not all men. But it's a very high percentage of men who do not like the idea of their girlfriend being the funny one in the relationship. So when a woman breaks into comedy, they will find this to be a hinderance in dating. I've personally always liked dating funny women. But where the conflict came is when the two of us kept joking to the point nothing got done. In some ways, just like in movies, there should be a straight man and a comic foil. So if a man was smart, he'd see the value in a funny female mate and play the straight character. I know that there is animosity within men dealing with funny women because I have multiple male comics complain when they see a female comic rising up the ranks, passing them. They don't seem as mad when men pass them by. In fact, I know many female comics whose husbands tried stand up as some type of proof they were just as funny, to unbelievably failing results. The patriarchy strikes again. Haha.  

Ladies, if you find him agitated by your quick wit, run.    

The Income Divide 
One major factor that hurts comics in dating is the income issue. Because it is hard to pay bills in drink tickets and nonpaid shows. I have a lot of buddies who told me their girlfriends told them if they don't make money after a certain point then they need to quit. Living in a one bedroom apartment with five other guys doesn't make women look forward to a future with Mr. Funny Guy. 
I've found this to be more of a male problem than female one, and I'd love to hear if the female comics have their boyfriends or husbands ask them to stop doing comedy due to a lack of income. 
Another problem is that once a comic starts making money, he or she might start making enough to justify being full time but expenses become an argument. Everything from camera equipment to podcast equipment in an attempt to expand the brand costs money. Maintaining a car with gas, oil changes, and buying food on the road just builds the credit card debt or depletes the bank account. Plus, the 1099 status can create tax issues as well. 

They say most divorces are about money, and the life of a struggling artist is a recipe for argument city.       

Being a Traveling Comic
This weekend I'm heading off to Carson, NV for a weekend of gigs. I'll leave early Friday morning and get back late Sunday night. There goes date night. While I love standup, there is a taxation on one's dating life. Now imagine if I had a girlfriend or wife and she had an emergency? I'm in the Reno area and she's trying to figure out whatever the problem is...alone. It's an unspoken truth in most comic's lives, but it is hard to go on dates when you're the entertainment for other people's dates. 
There are 52 weeks a year. A good comic will perform on 30+ weekends a year. There are going to be a lot of Saturday nights where the comic is working and the significant other is sitting at home or playing third or fifth wheel with other couples. There are week long runs in casinos, flight delays, and extended stays because Saturday sold out and Sunday shows got added. The traditional 9 to 5 is out.

And the Catch-22 is that it's how the money gets made.  

Traveling can become a frustrating burden on early relationship building. I know I've dated women who found it exciting I travel to perform comedy, but when we can't have another date for 20 days because of our schedules, that excitement leaves soon, and she suddenly found a guy with a normal schedule.

In fact, I know many comics who got divorced and their wives told them it was the lifestyle of traveling that ate at them. Please don't think I'm only picking on comics. This was also an issue for my wrestling coach buddies who spent 30+ weekends taking their teams to season and off season tournaments. Relationships don't work when there's little time to relate. Spending my entire 20's coaching and my 30's doing comedy, I have been a workaholic, and I've felt that strain in my love life.           

Final Thoughts  
When I taught my Getting Booked on the Road Class at Flappers I would open with: "Wanna be a road comedian? If you're single, stay single. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, break up. If you're married, get divorced. And if you have kids, find an adoption agency." It was met to mostly laughs. One time a comic asked about work/life balance. A few of us smiled and chuckled. She wasn't wrong to ask, but bookers don't care if their weekend offer of headlining is the same weekend as Billy's birthday or your two year anniversary. You have to hustle for every single gig, and the single bird gets the worm.       

That's why it is important to really be honest with yourself on your goals and desires. It's okay if standup is a hobby. I hate when older comics call others "hobbyists," as if someone can't get up when it works for them. Life is lonely, and the road is lonelier. If you are giving up human connection for a side hustle that produces nothing but frustration, it will bleed into other areas of life. Then no one will date you. 

When you break it all down, at the core, you are a human being. You are not just a comic. You are a human being who does comedy. Being single, married, or enjoying the throuple life is a personal choice. Just know that when you start a relationship, be aware of the above concerns to be normal things the other person might find problematic. And I didn't even touch on comics dating comics and the jealously issues in that Pandora's box.

​As for advice if you're single and want it all? I can't help you on that. I'm a single 42 year old dude. But I can say that keeping a few nights free just in case you want a date night, just might be the best way to build a life where you at least are making room for a future you might want one day.