How to Ghost Properly

It’s not the ghosting that hurts. It’s the lack of reason. Whether it’s friendship or dating, just tell people why they aren’t cool enough for you. Who knows, it might help them in their endeavors. Here’s a gender neutral template with fill in the blank options to text or DM to future people you plan to hurt and leave in a state of confusion:

Hey ______, I can no longer (date, hang out with, parent) you. Nothing personal but you and I aren’t clicking. You’re (not good looking enough, not making enough money, not interesting enough to have a conversation with). I understand I led you on by (hanging out with you, texting you, sharing my every thought for like two straight weeks, having dinner with you in romantic settings strictly reserved for people clearly forming a sexual relationship). For that I apologize…that you couldn’t see the future gaslighting.

While I hope you enjoy your life without me, I understand we can’t be friends, so I hope we can be like neighbors. We’ll never actually talk, but we can wave at each other at social events.

On another note (you should shower more, lose weight, read a book, invest in crypto, join a church or cult) if you’d like to have more friends on my level. But as for me, I’m ghosting you now. I’ve found better (dating options, coworkers, family members).

I’ll be blocking you on everything and then unblocking you in 3-6 months to see if you’re cooler or sold a script or got a project I’d be perfect for. Please don’t share this message with our mutual friends. I plan to tell them you just made it weird.

Love,

Ghosty McCasper