Hey Moomers!
I'm excited to announce my new career shift as we enter a new era of comedy. I'm giving up comedy and becoming an Alpha life coach! Comedy no longer satisfies my loins the way it used to, and if you're honest with your inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King within, you too will admit it's time to quit the Beta way and become the Alpha. So I've been spending the last three months creating this kick your balls to walls course! If you still wanna see me do comedy, I put my last month of gigs on the bottom. Luckily, The Comedy Store still supports male comedy and agreed to let me finish out my career with them. But enough about the past! The future is me! I am the future. And I've come from the future to teach you the ways of the Alpha! Below you will find my new Course - Alpha April Course! Each month is only $20,000 to become the man you always wanted to be. Manly May and Jacked June will be added soon! And ladies, you too can be the Alpha, so don't worry! I haven't forgotten about you. Especially the hot ones with huge juggs! Double "G" there on purpose because that's how I like my womens! So take a look at my new brand and course and my back story! Do it, losers! And remember, when in doubt, Be the Moom! A Long Road To This Moment - Finding Your Inner Alpha Horse Lion King Creature When I look back on my journey, I realize, I took the wrong route. Religion. Education. Coaching. Giving back. All were keeping me down. I spent too much time trying to be what "society" wanted and not what my inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King wanted. The old Paul wanted meaning. The new Paul (aka Moom Man from now on) wants to feed the inner Alpha Horse Lion Creature King instead of feeding his neighbor. And since switching gears, my life has seen dramatic changes. First Rule: Don't Support Anyone Unless You Are Given Full Credit It's sad, but in my old life, "Paul" (which means little) wasn't even the star of his own life. Routinely, I was cropped out of pictures that were posted on "social media." Now maybe it's because of passive aggressive tactics my Beta soul was perpetuating. Or maybe it was because I had no idea how to frame a picture. But I was playing second fiddle to my own life. That's why it's important you never do anything unless everyone knows you did it and get full credit. I don't care what part you played. Maybe you just opened the car door for a woman. You now tell people I OPENED EVERY DOOR FOR HER EVER! By puuting (I'm not fixing typos anyomre) yourself up front, you will become the Alpha you were meant to be! And people will regret sharing in your success because they'll realize you were really the only moving piece in a team effort. Rule Numero Dos: Change Your Partners; Not Yourself Being an Alpha Horse Lion Creature King means who only date and seduce the top of the line women. But in those first few months, you might not have the Super Sexy Seduction Tools to get Grade-A Chicks. That was my problem. So I made sure to force my ladies to lose over 230 pounds within a month. While many of them spent a lot of time in hospital, until I kept them in the basement with a water cup, the results speak for themselves. Notice, I maintained my body frame, because I am made in the image of the Alpha Horse Lion Creature King. Women are not. But that doesn't mean you can't force her to lose weight and become the Alpha version of herself. Look at the pics below, proving my highly controversial methods work and not "harmful to society" like the courts claimed. The Third Rule of Fight Club: Eat Only Raw Meat I know what you're thinking. Moom, Did you get taller? Yes. But I don't wanna talk about that. I want to talk about the special secret spiritual powers of raw meat. Below you can see I took one of my many lady female women companions (real Moomers don't commit to just one) to the fanciest restaurant in town: Black Bear Diner. Here I was able to spoil her with an all raw meat meal. Many don't know, but at Black Bear Diner you can fight a bear to win a free meal, and I made her do just that. No reason to murder a bear in seconds when I could watch a hot woman do it for me. Watching her wrestle the bear while I ate raw meat on a spork was better than any UFC fight. After defeating the bear, Chablis was eventually sent to the hospital (women, right?), but the moral of the story is I didn't have to pay. (pics below) Rule 4: If You Can't Eat Raw Meat, Eat Candles That Look Like Food As a Moomer, you only want to eat raw red meat. But sometimes you're at a place that says they won't serve you that, and since carrying raw red meat in your survivor's tool kit would look silly, I tell my Moomers to have candles that look like real food ready all all time. First off, no one will know the difference, and thirdly the wax will fill you up and make you constipated so you stay full all day. Below you will find the wings and corn "meal" I'm selling for $69.99 on my website. Buy now. Feel full forever. V: The Future is Me and My Master Plan of Domination I know some of you are shocked I' quitting comedy while others are excited to take my $20,000 course. You can just Venmo me the amount. The IRS will not find it suss at all. I just want you all to benefit the way I have. As a master of the universe (me and He-Man), I feel I would be holding back society if I didn't create this course. So sign up now. And get ready for my new podcast, where I just yell at women who didn't date me in high school. It's called Incelebrity and you are going to love it! Moom on! Moom on! Below are images proving I'm the Alpha Horse Lion Creature King!
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Paul Douglas Moomjean Blog's About What's on His MindBlogging allows for me to rant when there is no stage in the moment to talk about what's important and/or funny to me. Archives
October 2024
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