Don't Be a Pathetic Comic

If there is one word I would never want to be called it's "pathetic." That word makes me angry. When I meet pathetic people, I dissociate from them immediately. Pathetic people are desperate and dangerous. They ask for more than they can handle, and then they fumble the ball immediately. Often, when I meet comics who are pathetic, I get aggravated quickly. Pathetic comics can ruin a show, and become taxing on a comedy producer. Pathetic comics don't get rebooked on good shows often. So here are a few things pathetic comics do that ruin their future opportunities.   

Discipline is the Opposite to Patheticness
I'm a pretty gentle person (despite my harsh tone here). I appreciate and admire kindness. Many don't. Many consider these traits as weak, when in fact, those people are the truly weak ones. They hate having to "wait their turn" or "pay their dues." They bully people into getting what they want and then leave them behind as they attempt to climb the ladders of success. Patheticness isn't being patient or kind, or even being taken of advantage of. If anything, strong people can show kindness and mercy and forgiveness, weak people cannot. The opposite of patheticness is not strength, but in fact, is discipline. Having a strong work ethic and work philosophy will help you get through the good and the bad. Pathetic comics yell at the audience when their set goes bad. Disciplined comics find a way to get back on track. Pathetic comics blame the room every time. Disciplined comics reflect on what they should have done better. Pathetic comics want to seek revenge on those who hurt them. Disciplined comics want to level up so they don't have to worry about those comics hurting them.  
Being disciplined, kind, and organized will stop you from being perceived as pathetic.      

Pathetic Comics Create a False Reality For Themselves 
Pathetic comics lie about their successes. If I named off how many comics tried to portray themselves as participants at the Netflix is a Joke festival, when they had nothing to do with it, I'd have to send out three newsletters this week. I saw comics taking pictures at venues making it look like they were part of the action, and that is a real pathetic move. While some might argue, "fake it until you make it," all these comics are doing is creating fake earned praise.

I see this with comics who write on Facebook they got recognized on the street by fans, when they never even perform at large venues. Or comics who tell people they are a regular at big clubs (by doing bringers). Or comics who try to play up their connections and name drop celebrities they met once in passing. 

I get that some people have to make the family back home jealous, but when the locals who know their story see this, they become weary of booking them because they know these are the people who talk a big game but can't deliver. This is patheticness on display.          

Having A Sexist Mentality is a Road to Patheticness
Dealing with fragile male egos was not on my Comedy Career Bingo Card when starting out. Yet, dealing with comics who say disparaging things about comics who are making it because they are women is real and disgusting. Often, I'll have to remind male comics in their 40's that they are not going to get the same opportunities younger comics get. But they only seem peeved when a woman gets the opportunity. "Why did she get that spot?" "Why are they booking her?" Then I tell them they sound pathetic and hypocritical by never asking why that venue keeps booking male comics in their 40's and 50's. Some have had a real epiphany about their world view, and others have just call me a simp. Pathetic men like that word "simp" too, because they don't see the value in treating everyone with dignity. I know men who would never question helping a buddy but if the gender in trouble is a woman, they'd be all over calling a man a white knight, as if chivalry is dead.  

I once was working with a comic who wanted to make fun of his wife going through old age. It was a really mean spirited bit. When I suggested taking all the new behaviors and turning the joke on himself for having the same issues, he was flabbergasted, as his main objective was to knock his wife down a notch. He thought he was being like his male comedy heroes. He sees them in front of their crowds getting cheers for being "edgy" and doesn't understand that these comics are on a ticking time bomb before their audience turns. This style of comedy was popular in the early 1990's and eventually left the comics spewing it broke and depressed.    

Watching some of these Netflix is a Joke lineups, you'd think there were just all male shows in comedy. In a recent Netflix group photo dump on their page, there was a group photo of 60-70 comics, in which 17 were women. Most performed together on the same show. The after parties were just group photos of (balding) men. Even the Roast of Tom Brady only had Nikki Glaser and Sam Jay. Imagine if they would have invited Laurie Kilmartin, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, or even Brady's ex-wife. And then people wonder why male bookers proudly only book all male shows. They learned it from their comedy step-dads. 

"Bro" mentality is really just misogyny by a different name. 

Begging for Stage Time is Pathetic
Pathetic comics beg for stage time every chance they can. Disciplined comics ask about the requirements to get booked. Pathetic comics hear about a show and ask to be on it immediately. Disciplined comics give a few dates that work or ask when the next opening is. Pathetic comics ask for a spot in the comments section on Instagram and Facebook. Disciplined comics like the post and take note it exists. Don't just try to build out a calendar. Build relationships. Asking a close friend is fine. Asking strangers as soon as you see a post, is desperate. 

What has usually happened here is they once asked abruptly and got a spot, but then strike out again and again, but don't admit it's not working. Even posting on Facebook they are looking to be booked is a sign of patheticness, because it puts the responsibility on everyone else to reach out to them.
Build relationships within the community, build value, build an act, and ask when you think you're ready. I was guilty of this in my earlier years after seeing this behavior. But when I realized how icky it made me feel, I stopped. Facebook memories is a cruel reminder of the dumb things I tried starting out.      

Perpetually Late is Perpetually Pathetic 
Comics who are late to shows, late to respond back, late to send pictures for flyers, late to cancel in a reasonable time, and late to the game in any way are pathetic. As a comic who runs a lot of shows as well as travels, tardiness in any way is a turn off in building a working relationship. I really don't care that you're busy or you don't "check your messages." If you want to be a successful professional comic, you have to transcend into becoming the type of comic who sees time as money and as a valuable commodity.

Recently, a comic begged to be on a show of mine. Then on the day of the show they texted me they would be forty minutes late and to just put them up later in the lineup.. You know, after the headliner. I texted back, show up on time or not at all. Oh my, did they show up on time. Just for the record, I will not be booking them again. This has happened too many times with too many one and done comics. Being late only adds stress to an already stressful event.  

Sometimes I'll message a comic and they won't get back to me for a couple days. Fine. But I'm moving on after a day. Then they'll get back to me and say, "I was really busy." Too busy to get work? Or too busy to confirm? I'm sure life has moments where you can't respond, but it feels like a lack of taking on responsibility. Again, the discipline to be professional is what separates the pros from the cons.   

Asking for Advice About Everything For Free Makes You Look Pathetic  
Asking for advice is an act of strength. Learning about an industry and wanting to get better is something I would encourage all of us to do. But there are times and places and protocols. I would encourage people who want "free" advice to take a comic to coffee or a meal. Many are fine with mentoring, but constantly texting "should I do..." or "how do you..." gets old when you barely know them or even when you're best friends. 

The trick to success is epic failure. Trying something on your own terms can be a thrilling adventure. Failure is not pathetic. Not learning from failure is pathetic. Trust me, if you're doing something so wrong it's embarrassing, your true friends will pull you aside and straighten you out. But asking them about every turn is a one way ticket to losing your connections. I've found that people afraid to fail are the most pathetic people. They want all the glory with none of the pain. They're like the guy who joins a gym, takes advantage of a free personal trainer session, take all the supplements, but then don't actually lift the weights because they're too scared they won't lift as much as they thought they could.     

Final Thoughts 
I write these things because I want to see you win. I want to see you not take short cuts or back roads. In the last ten years I saw a lot of comics either never move past their first year mentality or they become bitter and desperate. None of those outcomes have to be your reality.

Slow and steady wins the race. If you put in the work, wait for the right opportunities, act professional, and help others in the most pragmatic ways possible, you will find success.  

​Patheticness stems from lacking discipline and embracing ignorance as a virtue. Even if you find short term gain in acting like I described above, the long term residuals are costly. As I navigate my 10th year in stand up comedy, I feel the need get this out on paper at least once. Don't be fooled by contemporary trends, but look at the long term. A great example is the comic Andrew "Dice" Clay who found himself riding a wave of unprofessionalism and anti-women rhetoric, only to watch his kingdom crumble fast and hard. It's easy to get to the top quickly if you steal jokes, copy personas, and feed into the lowest common denominator. But what does it profit a man if he inherits the whole world but loses his comedy career?