Ten Creepy Guys To Avoid

I recently came across an article on how to know a guy is creepy. It was written by a girl. No offense, ladies, but you really aren’t very good at picking guys. The divorce rate proves this. Hey. You said yes!

So here are ten characteristics to look out for. Based on what ladies I know have picked, these guys are clearly the undatable creeps that’ll have you crying on the phone, calling the cops, and changing your numbers and moving out of state.

1. The Guy With A Job

Why date a guy with a job? They’re always busy with excuses and complain about “overtime.” Sounds like he’s cheating to me. Find you a guy financially dependent on you! At least you’ll know he’s at home all day and can’t woo another woman with pricy gifts.

2. The Guy With His Own Place

Can you trust a guy who lives alone? You know who also lives alone? SERIAL KILLERS! A guy with his own place can’t be trusted. At least with a guy who lives at home you know he’s still got a relationship with his parents. He’s the ultimate family man! Those guys who pay rent or mortgages (yuck!) will just be frustrated if you spill food on their floor. Stay At Home Son’s will let you lay around and not worry about making messes, because mommy or daddy will pick it up later. It’s like having a boyfriend with a maid and butler!

3. The Guy With No DUI’s

A guy with no DUI’s is a nerd who is bad in bed and has no friends. No DUI’s just means no fun. A guy with a few DUI’s is a risk taker. He risks his life and everyone else’s. Some pencil neck dweeb afraid of getting pulled over isn’t a man and he isn’t very fun either.

4. The Guy With No Face Piercings

A dude covered in piercings understands his face is a work of art for society to see. He doesn’t care about society or their “social norms.” A dude with a plain boring face will judge you and everyone else. But the guy who looks like Hellraiser is unique. Just go down to Venice or West Hollywood to see all the unique men out there. Plus, making out is more fun with your eyes constantly being poked and stabbed. It’s what I call 3-D loving.

5. The Guy With A Car

Think about this. A guy picks you up. In HIS car. You’re driving down the road then BOOM! He makes a sharp left and you’re now speeding across the border where he’s about to make you the third girl victim this week in his human trafficking operation. But a guy without a car can’t do that. He’s at your mercy. He’s gotta get Uber. He can’t go anywhere without your permission or Uber’s.

6. The Guy Under 6ft

If he’s under 6 feet tall, he’s probably a mass murderer. It’s creepy, right? Just be taller! Like those professional athletes he loves so much. Look ladies, if he can’t be 6 foot in the streets, he can’t be the man you need in the sheets. 5’6” Tom Cruise might have been a sex symbol in the 1990’s, but now that times are catching up, why settle for the human Hobbit. He probably lives in the ground too.

7. The Guy Who Texts/Calls Back

Ladies...imagine this scene. You’re at work. In the important meeting. And your phone beeps. It’s your man. The text reads “yes, I’ll pick up the dry cleaning.” You look at the message. The CEO asks what’s so important. You shrug it off. He gets mad and fires you! Now had you dated a guy who doesn’t respond, you’d still be employeed. Who needs a creeper with the free time to text or call you back. Not you, sweetie. Not you.

8. The Guy Who Isn’t Jealous

Jealously proves he loves you. If your boyfriend trusts you around other guys...or girls for that matter...obviously he’s creepy and probably cheating on you. So the next time your boyfriend says “Have fun with your co-workers at happy hour!” I hope you hook up with that guy in marketing so he’ll never take your love for granted again! Real men fight other men to show their Darwinian dominance.

9. The Guy With An Advanced Degree

A guy with a degree is creepy. A guy with an advanced degree...ewwwwww. What a loser. He’d probably rather read a book than get drunk and hit on your friends. He probably takes his job seriously since he worked hard to get it. Worse...he’s probably in debt from going to a good college. I bet he’ll correct your grammar too. Stay away from Nerdy McBooky.

10. The Guy Who Respects You And Your Wishes

What a wimp. A real man creates conflict and tension that later turns tears to beers to great make up dates. Why would you want a guy who loves you enough to know when to push and when to let you figure it out for yourself. That guy is a beta. You want an alpha.

A Final Note

This is a satirical piece of writing. Satire is dead in our society. It pains me to have to add this.

I wrote this because I see too many woman (and men) settling for losers. Real losers. Like dudes with nothing going for them. It’s not “potential” — it’s just called being a loser. I get it, he has a sweet side no one sees but you, but ask yourself this: If only you see something, doesn’t that make it like an imaginary thing?